4 weddings in 13 months: body dysmorphia galore

In April 2025, I kicked off what I thought was 3 weddings in 9 months. Plot twist: there would be a fourth!

And, of course, this wouldn’t be a weight loss/AS diagnosis blog unless I talked how I was feeling physically or mentally for all the weddings.

Now, the days were obviously not about me, but for 2 of the 4 weddings, I had a big role as the Maid of Honor. As the MOH, you’re the one who typically helps the bride get ready, you’re the one who fluffs her dress at the altar, you’re the one who stands beside her and holds her bouquet, you’re the one who delivers the MOH speech, you’re the one at her beck and call all day, etc. etc. What does this mean? There are typically dozens and dozens of photos of you. * insert sweating face emoji here *

It was a lot of pressure to be the MOH and to know that I didn’t feel my best self. I knew that no matter what, I just had to smile and show up for the brides as best as I could. Whatever I happened to look like that day was not as important as making sure the bride looked like the most beautiful, radiant version of herself. 🙂

These photos are in “tiled gallery” format. You can click/tap on each photo to make it full sized and see the caption. I highly recommend doing this because I make my captions “first thought”, aka whatever pops into my head when I look at them. LOL.

Wedding #1: Gabbi and Marcus | April 26, 2025

For my cousin Gabbi’s wedding in April 2025, I was about 3 months out from my final workout at TFN. I was feeling soft muscle-wise, I was not in a good headspace, I had just started the injections for my newly diagnosed autoimmune disease, and the dress I had bought 6 months prior was a little snug. I remember picking it up from the seamstress and staring at it every day for three weeks just hoping it would still fit by April 26.

By the time April 26 rolled around, my dress did fit even though it was a little snug. At the end of the wedding, when I was about ready to change into my comfy clothes, I ended up popping the clasp off above the zipper when I flexed my back. Oops! A muscle mommy over here… 😉

I felt good during the wedding. My hair and makeup were done by vendors, I was with my family, and I know that I wasn’t where I was in April 2023 when I was a guest at another wedding. According to loose record keeping on my end, I was probably only a few pounds heavier here than I was for my cousin Peter’s wedding in 2024. I was around 165 for his wedding and probably around 170 for this wedding. (I also had to remind myself that I was probably 230 pounds for another wedding I had in April 2023.)

(Something I will say is that regardless of whether or not my arms are ripped, I always carry a lot of muscle, which sometimes turns to less toned muscle, in my legs. I try to remember that I’ve always had big legs. It took a long time to be OK with how they looked growing up and I still have my moments now and then where I hate them.)

Here are some of my favorite photos from Gabbi and Marcus’ wedding day. ❤

Photo Credit: LivelyLens

Wedding #2: Ali & Adam | August 30, 2025

The second wedding was technically a backyard BBQ wedding celebration. Ali and Adam were married in a private, immediate family-only ceremony in the Grand Tetons in May 2025. They wanted to party with the rest of of their family and all of their friends in August 2025. Because of their microwedding in May, Ali wanted to have an opportunity to get ready with her girls at the backyard BBQ wedding celebration. She had hair and makeup vendors at her house so a few of us could all get ready together. This was incredibly special and something I didn’t realize was as important to me as it was. ❤

I think I tried on no less than 10 dresses. Returned all but the one that I thought would fit the vibes of a late August backyard party. Although we weren’t a “traditional” bridal party, I still wanted to feel like a bridesmaid. And, if you really know me, you know that my idea of casual is someone else’s idea of formal. 😉

Why so many dresses, you might ask? Body dysmorphia. I was constantly picking apart my body in each dress. The Bekah/Beccas were on FaceTime with me helping me make decisions. My body was softer than it was for Gabbi’s wedding since it was 7 months after my last workout at TFN. Sure I was doing little workouts and walks here and there, but my injections weren’t working as expected and I didn’t feel great. I was also working 2 jobs so I could save for the house. I wasn’t making time for personal wellness, that’s for sure.

I knew the makeup vendor because I had been one of her clients off and on for the past decade or so. (I moved around a few times after college. *I* was too far away to justify a 10 minute eyebrow wax, and then *she* moved too far away to open a new location to justify a 10 minute eyebrow wax.) I’m the reason Ali and Katie connected in the first place. 😉 It was fun to catch up with Katie while she made me pretty. Katie and I go back elementary school days and Ali and I were college roommates — it was amazing to see my past and present blend.

I had never met the hair vendor but she was amazing. We bonded over chronic illnesses and feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders. I cried when I saw my hair done. I felt beautiful. It was a great feeling.

Hair and makeup helped me feel better when I didn’t love how I looked in the dress I had picked. (I did have an outfit change, which made me feel worse. I think it’s because the jumpsuit didn’t fit as well as it had the summer before.) I started picking myself apart when I saw the photos that my sister took (Ali and Adam hired her to take photos of the day!), but you know what? I didn’t realize how much I needed that day with Ali until it was over. And that feeling outweighs any body dysmorphia. Being in the sunshine eating good food and celebrating love with people I love mattered more. ❤

Photo Credit: R. L. D Photography

Wedding #3: Becca & Dalton | January 10, 2026

In 2025, we celebrated Becca’s pre-wedding festivities (bridal shower, bachelorette). If you ask her, even though their wedding was in early January, she considers herself a 2025 bride since most of the celebrating and all of the planning was done that year.

This was the highest stakes wedding for me out of all four. The most stressful. The most time consuming. The most number of guests. The most pressure. This was a day that we weren’t sure would ever come but when Dalton told me on August 13, 2024 that he was going to propose to Becca in a couple months, I knew that I’d be summoned for duty… and baby, I was ready! The wait for him to propose was agonizing keeping that secret, but I knew I was definitely ready to go all in on helping Becca plan their wedding, organizing the bridal shower and bachelorette, and stand beside her on her big day. Of course, only if she wanted me to be her MOH — and duh, of course she did! Who wouldn’t want a Type A best friend as your MOH? 😉

I was absolutely a pain in the booty. I just felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that I hemmed and hawed about my MOH dress selection and alterations, about how to do my hair (I even had a pre-wedding trial for my hair. That’s something only the bride does!), my jewelry selection, my makeup, EVERYTHING. I wanted to do everything to lose weight as quickly as possible except change anything about what I was currently doing. Obviously I didn’t lose any weight and actually I gained weight instead. 🙂 Go me, LOL!

Now you’ll see what I mean about being in a lot of the wedding day photos as the MOH.

Photo Credit: Joe Dolan Photography / R. L. D Photography

Wedding #4: Neel & Shweta | May 8-10, 2026

Pre-Wedding

A few weeks after Becca and Dalton’s wedding, I decided that I needed to “shred” a bit of weight before Neel and Shweta’s wedding. I was given the OK by the bride and groom to wear traditional South Asian outfits, and since those outfits tend to expose more than I typically show (I’m still in one piece bathing suits…), I wanted to see if I could lean out a bit before May. On February 2, I cut my calories from god-knows-how-many to 1750. (I learned my lesson with this — I should have done a gradual reduction vs. drastic reduction. More on that in a later blog post.)

February was good in the beginning, but rough after my birthday. I was losing focus and didn’t know if I wanted to be in a calorie deficit. Have you ever had food? Especially food that you don’t need to log in My Fitness Pal or weigh out? It’s just so good. Anyways, I lost 4.6 pounds in February. That’s about 1.1 pounds per week, which is perfectly a perfectly reasonable amount of weight to lose in 4 weeks. I was a little bummed by this though. I remember the days when I was Fat Kate and I’d lose 10 pounds in a month. If you have more weight to lose, it tends to drop quicker. When I started the shred, I actually said to a friend that I was sure the first 5 pounds would be water weight and come off quickly. I was beyond wrong, LOL.

I also started my new medication in February. I advocated for myself at my last couple of rheumatology appointments in 2025 that my bi-weekly injections weren’t working. “Give it time, Kate”, I heard over and over. And so when I saw Dr. Goodman again just before my birthday, I said, “The injections aren’t working. I’m miserable. Do something”. He asked me how many injections I had done. “23.” “OK, yeah, the injections aren’t working for you. It’s time to try something else.” (FINALLY!) We talked about my options and settled on RINVOQ. Honestly, RINVOQ has changed my life. I’m writing this in June 2026 and I’ve done a 180. I move better. I sleep better. I’m going for 3+ mile walks after work and loving it. I’m picking up the weights again. I’m not as stiff. I don’t have nearly as much pain. My quality of life has improved. …Except for the acne. Yeah, that’s one of the side effects. Adult acne is not helping my body dysmorphia one bit. It’s a worthwhile tradeoff though, right? That’s what I keep trying to tell myself anyway. 😉

March was… It wasn’t good or bad, it just was. My weight fluctuated between the same 5 pounds (yes, including the 4.6 pounds I had “lost” in February!). I had higher priority items on my plate to take care of than trying to “get skinny” for Neel and Shweta’s wedding.

When I took Lou and Grey to that fateful appointment in September 2025 where we found out a couple days later that Lou was diabetic, Dr. Brianna told me I needed to book a dental surgery for Grey. Not just a cleaning. Extractions. She had suspicions that he may have resorptive disease — basically the gum absorbs the tooth and it’s very painful. But of course when I got the call a couple days later that Lou had diabetes and his blood sugar was 582 (!!!!), I knew I had to get Lou regulated before I could figure out Grey’s surgery. I also had seen so many videos on social media of cats not making it through surgery because of anesthesia. I sobbed to Dr. Brianna that Grey was going to die on the table. (Yes, I’m dramatic. I know this. This was also my first time meeting Dr. Brianna — what a great first impression!) Lucky for me, Leominster Animal Hospital (where Lou and Grey have gone since 2020) requires a pre-op appointment a few weeks before surgery to run a wellness panel (bloodwork) to determine if the animal is “fit enough” for surgery and anesthesia. We did this panel the second week of March ahead of his April 2 surgery. Honestly, it was the best $144.50 I’ve ever spent. Knowing that Grey was indeed fit for surgery helped me process his upcoming surgery slightly better.

My car had been making sounds, but I listen to some pretty heavy music so I didn’t pay much attention (just turned the music up some more!). I assumed my car would be fine until after I bought a house and then I could just look into getting a new car. (No new lines of credit!) Zaza (my car) said, “No way girl, fix me NOW” and her rear brakes gave out on a Saturday morning while I was doing errands before an Old Navy shift. 80 car-less hours, 4 new brakes (pads and rotors!), and $1,056 later and Zaza was back in my possession. Lesson learned.

Then I noticed Lou wasn’t acting like himself. Now I’m the first one to admit it — I’m a crazy cat lady. My boys are my world. And I have a lot of guilt from when I knew there was more pee than usual in the litter box but I blamed it on me working too much and not the fact that something might be up with one of my boys. Because of the fact that my gut was trying to tell me something was wrong with all of that pee in the litter box and I ignored it, I struggle to trust my gut when it comes to the boys now. I kept telling Momma D. that something was up with Lou. She knows that I have a tendency to overreact so she told me just to keep an eye on him (this was a Sunday and since he was still eating/drinking/snuggling with me, it wasn’t a “I need to go to the emergency vet STAT” type of situation). My red flag was when my usually ravenous Lou wasn’t as interested in breakfast Monday morning — in fact, he was letting Grey push him out of the way to get to his plate. That’s when I called the vet and we booked the first available appointment for the next day and they told me to get a blood sugar reading on him if possible. It’s a 2 person job because Lou is King Resister (me to restrain, Mom or Bekah to do the reading). Thankfully Momma D. was off from work that day, so she came over immediately. His blood sugar was perfect. While we were talking, the diarrhea started. I’m talking the loudest gush of liquid poo you’ve ever heard from a 13 pound kitty. I knew immediately what it was (not my first rodeo!) but it definitely took Momma D by surprise. He actually seemed better after. It happened a couple more times that day. I kept the appointment with the vet anyway. My gut was right. He was being “overmedicated” based on his weight. Lou isn’t on insulin — he’s on Senvelogo, which is basically the kitty version of Wegovy or Mounjaro. It was an unplanned (read: annoying) $308 well spent.

At the end of March, I left my part-time job at Old Navy. I liked the people I met and the extra money I was able to put away for the house, but I didn’t like the toll it was taking on my life. I was tired all the time, annoyed I had to go to work on Friday nights and Saturdays after a crazy busy week at my full-time job, and coordinating care for Lou and Grey while I was at ON made me feel like a bother. It was time to let go. I was told if I ever wanted to come back, even if it was just for the holidays, I’d always be welcomed back with open arms. I do miss my Friday night 15-minute break Panera dinners and Applebees on Saturdays during/after my shift, but my waistline and wallet don’t. 😉

Then April started off with a bang. The week after Lou’s medicine mishap was Grey’s surgery. I had been reading and rereading the paperwork all week before his surgery on Thursday, April 2. I had done all the pre-work (no food after 10 PM, no water after 10 PM, no toys until his post appointment 2 weeks later, etc.). Momma D. and I dropped Grey off at 8:15 AM. I immediately went to Aroma Joe’s to get a coffee and something to eat. Then I had to go to the post office to drop off a Poshmark package but before that, I wanted a “sweet treat” and I made my way to Gerardo’s (iykyk). I didn’t want a full pound of cookies but I wanted a half a pound and a slice of their pizza. (See where I’m going with this? If you guessed “eating your feelings” — you’re a winner!) I knew Grey was 1 of 3 animals going in for surgery. There was a simple dental and a tumor removal. I figured Grey would be number 2 (after simple dental and before tumor removal). By 1 PM I had eaten my way through the box of cookies and the slice of pizza. You can imagine my horror when the vet tech called at just about 2 PM to say that Grey was heading into surgery now and Dr. Brianna would call me when she was done. The tech told me that Grey had been sedated for x-rays and based on Dr. Brianna’s initial physical/visual assessments from the March pre-op appointment, it was confirmed that he had 4 teeth that needed to be extracted. The next 3.5 hours were grueling. When 5 PM came and went, I was in a panic. Even Momma D. was asking if I had heard from Dr. Brianna yet. At just about 5:30 PM, Dr. Brianna called. She apologized for how long it took but his extractions took a bit longer than she expected because his teeth basically splintered when she tried to pull them out and she had to get all the splintered pieces out. I appreciate her thoroughness and all of LAH’s staff for their care of Grey during his 10 hour stay. ❤

In hindsight, I should not have scheduled surgery a few days before Easter weekend. We had family in from Germany and they wanted to see us on Saturday. Grey was supposed to wear a cone for 10 days when unsupervised (if I was out of the apartment or if I was asleep). You can imagine my surprise when I woke up Saturday morning around 4:45 AM, checked the cameras, and saw that Grey was cone-less. He had managed to get it off himself. OK, fine. I had to trust that Grey was too out of it on all of his pain meds to rub his face while I would be gone most of the day Saturday and some of Sunday. I kept checking the cameras while I was with family, but he seemed OK. Talk about stressful. Definitely ate more than my fair share of dessert those two days. 🙂

Grey is completely back to his normal self now. I wouldn’t say I’d want to go through kitty dental surgery ever again unless I had some better coping strategies… LOL.

I also cut off 10 inches of hair in April, too. It was time for a change. I wanted to invite new energy into my life. I both love and hate the haircut. It was beyond needed and my hairdresser, Jess, did an incredible job.

Jess and I talked about chopping my hair off for several months (I’m talking like, 8+ months). I wanted to have my long hair for Gabbi & Marcus, Ali & Adam, and Becca & Dalton’s weddings since I was a member of the bridal parties. When Neel & Shweta invited me to their wedding, I went back and forth about keeping my hair long. I was ready to chop it off but I was also thinking, “maybe my hair would look good short with my lehenga and saree”. I decided to chop it off because I was “just a guest” and it would be styled by me and not a hairstylist like the other 3 weddings.

Short hair is harder to maintain. I’m constantly just putting it back into a bun. I haven’t quite figured out how to curl it. I’m really good at straightening it, though! But now, my hair length shows off my less-than-toned back fat. I’m more self conscious because I can’t “hide” behind my hair anymore.

Jess and I have also been on a journey to bring my hair back to brown-ish. My hair was dyed jet black for many years. Last summer, I told Jess that I wanted to start the process of breaking up the black. I was saving for a house and needed to trim expenses and the 4+ sessions/year to N.H. to see Jess wasn’t cost-effective. The amazing thing about Jess is that she understands that priorities change. My hair was a priority for many years until I needed it be one of my lesser costs. I felt fierce with my black hair, no matter my size, and now I am adjusting to my hair being lighter, as well as much shorter.

Wedding Weekend

I got on the scale a couple of days before the flight half expecting to see wicked scale creep, but you can imagine my surprise when the scale showed me the same weight I had been hovering around (183) for weeks now. I had had a fear of stepping on the scale thinking it’d show me back around 200 pounds, but I was still closer to 180 than 190 and that was a small win in my book, especially knowing how I’d been coping with all of the stressors in March and April.

My Plus One to Neel & Shweta’s wedding was Becca (the bride from Wedding #3!). Despite us being best friends for well over a decade, we’ve never traveled together by plane!

I was really excited to head to North Carolina for their wedding. I don’t think I’ve ever been (maybe a layover a long time ago). I also knew while I was there that I’d see SusanCarol, my former coworker. I had never met SusanCarol face-to-face (she hated being on camera), so even though I “met” her in November 2020 during my interviews, we had weekly one-on-ones for the first 6+ months of my career at HPE, and we talked often at work and “offline”, I never saw her face! Becca and I had an awesome time at lunch with SusanCarol catching up like old friends. We took a couple of photos together to capture the moment, but I respect her privacy and won’t share. ❤

I only knew Becca, Neel, and Shweta at the wedding, but their family and friends were warm and inviting. You may not know this about me, but I have high-functioning anxiety. The high-functioning part is probably why you may never know that going to these type of events, whether it’s by myself or with other people, is a lot for me.

Becca and I struggled with our outfits. We both had freakout moments. I freaked out Saturday, she freaked out Sunday.

Neel and Shweta gave a recommendation that we could rent our traditional outfits from AllBorrow. I think it might be harder when you’re struggling so much with how you look and renting two-piece South Asian outfits for a Hindu ceremony than what I wore as the MOH or “bridesmaid”. I hated showing off my stomach that’s carrying a little extra pudge lately. I hated showing off my arms that aren’t nearly as toned as they used to be. I hated feeling exposed. I didn’t always used to be like that though. If Neel & Shweta’s wedding had been when I was at my “fittest”, then I know I probably would have absolutely enjoyed showing off my stomach and my arms. That was just not true for their wedding weekend.

I think we were both trying too hard to be modest and not show a lot of skin, but we quickly learned that it was all about the skin and not a single person, except for me and Becca, cared about what they looked like in their traditional outfits. I had spent so much time trying to cover any exposed skin that I made myself look “worse” and bigger than I am. And behind every one good photo, there were 57 “bad” photos.

We also had a little issue with my top on Saturday night that definitely exasperated my body dysmorphia. When we rented these outfits, we were giving it our best shot that everything was going to fit when it was delivered to our doorsteps two days before we hopped on the plane. When I tried on the tops on Wednesday night, neither fit. I felt OK that Becca could tuck me into the two tops and I’d be fine. When we got to the hotel on Friday afternoon and tried on the tops together, Becca was concerned that my yellow top string wouldn’t be long enough because my back is so broad and still muscular. She was definitely correct. So on Saturday before lunch with SusanCarol, we walked across the street to the mall to find something that we could use to thread the corset top. We finally found a yellow dress with a scarf at Loft. Yes. I bought the dress just for the scarf. No shame. We took the scarf, cut it in half length-wise, and Becca used that to thread my corset top together. I’m sure I looked like a hot mess express from the back, but from the front you couldn’t tell that my corset was tied together with a scarf that wasn’t the “right” color!

The entire weekend I was having tummy troubles. The bloating was so bad that my “regular” clothes were too tight. So yes, let’s take someone who is already struggling with body dysmorphia and showing skin in the traditional outfits, and then add bloat weight to that. Amazing!

As much as I struggled mentally with my physical appearance during Neel & Shweta’s wedding weekend, I had an incredible time. This was my first Hindu wedding and it was great to see their customs and traditions. I loved getting henna and I got so many compliments for 3 weeks. I loved that I was able to wear traditional outfits despite how uncomfortable I felt. I got to spend a few days with my best friend in a new place. I absolutely love being on a plane. I celebrated two friends in love. The experience was worth all the discomfort.

Photo Credit: Me 🙂 | Becca 🙂 | Thomas Hughes Photography

Will the body dysmorphia ever go away?

No. I don’t think so… but maybe it does? I don’t think I’m at that point yet.

I’ve found that it’s more difficult mentally to gain back 20 pounds than it was to lose 82 pounds. Isn’t that fascinating? When I finally started losing weight and keeping it off, the feeling was contagious. I felt so good. Since July 2024, I’ve gained back 20 pounds. I was sitting comfortably at 165 and now I’m around 185. I hate it. My clothes don’t fit as well anymore, if at all. Instead of walking into my closet and picking out my favorite pair of jeans and a tank top for the summer, I’m trying on 8 different outfits in the hopes I feel a little less crappy about myself in just 1 of them. I find myself wearing long sleeve t-shirts and joggers when I go out for errands. If I wear a jumpsuit that fit great in 2024 that fits now, but not as great, I’m constantly fidgeting with it. My face is a little less “lean”. I think that plus the adult acne from my medication really did a number on me.

A couple days ago, I ran into someone that I worked out with/coached at TFN. I hadn’t seen her since probably February 2025. When she realized it was me, she said, “You look amazing!” and I just laughed and said, “No, I don’t”. (I am my own worst enemy. I know this. People don’t just say that unless they mean it!) She knew how much I had struggled with my back pain while at TFN so she was thrilled to hear that I was taking a new medication that seemed to work wonders for me. ❤

I look back at how I felt in October 2024 when I bought my dress for Gabbi’s wedding and Becca was proposed to and selfishly wished both of them had gotten married before the end of 2024 because I felt good about myself. I didn’t know about the AS diagnosis yet, only that I seemed to have more rough days than good days. And the scale hadn’t gone up that much since I was still working out 3-4 days a week, eating relatively OK, and coaching at the gym. I was being held accountable and it made things easier, albeit a little harder (iykyk). I probably felt at my best self then, or as close to “best self” as possible. I’m sure I would have picked apart photos, but not as much as I did for these 4 weddings.

Two things can be true at the same time. We can get on the stage in front of 100+ people and deliver a kicka** MOH speech, but still want to hide. We can appreciate wearing another religion’s traditional outfits, but still hate how we look in it.

I feel blessed that 4 of my people found the love of their life and I was honored to be there and celebrate the happy couples. Congratulations to Gabbi & Marcus, Ali & Adam, Becca & Dalton, and Neel & Shweta! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your special day. ❤

I can show up for my people, even when I’m not feeling my best self. I hope you find that your people will love you no matter what. (And if they don’t, it’s time to find new people.)

Happy wedding season, all!

❤ Kate

Taking Back Kate

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