I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA, but I have been struggling.

And honestly, there’s no shame in my game — so let’s talk about it.

I think the news of my AS* and how my life would change was a lot to process.

* Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) is a chronic inflammatory disease that primarily affects the spine and sacroiliac joints (where the spine meets the pelvis). It causes pain, stiffness, and progressive fusion of the vertebrae, which can lead to a hunched posture and reduced mobility. AS is an autoimmune condition, meaning the immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue, leading to inflammation. There is no cure.

And let’s face it. I did not cope well with the news.

This news really affected a lot of my day-to-day. I know people thought, “Well, just push through it like you did all the other times before”, but I’ve come to realize just how toxic that mentality is. I have been in pain for over 4 years. Sure it comes and goes, but pain is pain. It affects my sleep, exercise, mood, and daily existence. How is that any way to live?

My Favorite Memories from June 2025 ❤

When I started aggressively pursuing a diagnosis, I was optimistic. I knew the finish line was just around the corner. Whatever diagnosis I got would be easily treated and cured. What I wasn’t expecting was a diagnosis with no cure. I figured it’d be something super simple. I had never heard of AS… and now I have it?

Getting the AS diagnosis meant having to take back my life in another way.

Doing CrossFit wasn’t going to work anymore, so I had to pull away from Total Fitness & Nutrition (TFN). Let’s be honest — 9 out of 10 times I was modifying my workouts for my back pain anyway. The last few times I coached, I couldn’t even demo the exercises. I was a liability and it was good to remove myself before it became an issue for Steff and TFN. I drive by every day on the way to get coffee or do errands (West Boylston is a small town) and I’m at peace with my body’s decision to leave. I wish everyone there the best and wish I had been able to say a proper goodbye. ❤

To be honest, I was struggling to go to the gym towards the end of 2024. I had even tried pulling back one day a week training-wise starting in late October to see if that would help, but it didn’t. I was burnt out all around even before the official diagnosis in March 2025.

I’m always doing too much and I know this. By the time January 2025 came around, I was doing 3 doubles/week, coaching a few classes/week, working a full-time job, trying to figure out how to train for the Missoula Half Marathon with my back pain, President of my Toastmasters club, pursuing my second Pathfinder award, preparing for not one but THREE weddings in 2025, had just started seeing a guy, and probably more stuff that I’m forgetting!

Life is busy for me. It’s honestly how I like it, but sometimes, some things have to give. I cannot do it all. I am the only one who can decide my priorities.

This may sound strange, but the AS diagnosis gave me a chance to “start over” and really decide how to live my best life.

It’s comical how people get upset when you finally decide to put yourself first instead of them. I learned firsthand last year that life is short. My life is mine to live, not anyone else’s. I get to decide what’s best for me.

And although I graduated from therapy in June, I’m not “healed”. I’m still working through a lot of demons. Food has always been a challenge for me.

In the 15 months since I ended nutrition with Steff, I have gained back 25 pounds. Woof. Not great, especially when I was trying to lose more weight before all of these amazing events I have in 2025.

My Favorite Memories from July 2025 ❤

What matters now, though, is what I do about it. I was journaling the other day and I was upset with myself for not stopping the weight gain sooner. I’ve said before that losing weight and being in a “diet state of mind” is a mental game. There are times when I’m not in the mood to play the game. I think the first half of 2025 was me not wanting to play the game. I know I can play the game, I’ve done it before, but what made this stretch of time different?

I think it was a combination of things. I am still reeling over the unexpected death of my uncle, grieving the life I thought I’d have with the AS diagnosis, dealing with changes in my routine, going to A LOT of events with people I love (therefore, lots of food!), and deciding what my “new normal” is.

To go from excessively working out to nothing was a shock to my system. The loss of physical movement coupled with no changes to my eating habits (and definitely an increase in calorie consumption) made the weight gain easy. I started slipping back into old habits. Bakery runs, 3 course meals at restaurants, a binge-eating cycle where I’d deprive myself of things I wanted for as many days as possible and then go off the rails, and the “I’ll start again on Monday once I get this out of my system” mentality.

Let’s talk about the changes I’ve made to get my weight back under control (somewhat — hey, I’m human!).

My injections seem to be helping (I’m having more good days than bad days so I’ll take that as a win!), so I prioritize walks after work when it fits into my schedule. I also recognize that carrying extra weight around is not great for my deteriorating joints. I need to get to a weight that is sustainable for me that doesn’t cause any unnecessary damage. At the time of this blog post going live, I’ve been having a rough couple of days pain/stiffness-wise. I take each day as it is — that’s all I can do. 🙂

I pick up dumbbells at least 2 times a week. It’s not anywhere near the intensity level when I was at TFN, but something is better than nothing in this case. I’m actually doing this through my full-time job at HPE! HPE offers CubeFit classes for its employees. I’m able to join a Teams call during the day and work out with their certified fitness professionals. They offer a variety of classes: strength, total body conditioning, pilates/barre, mobility, and more. I’ve been doing strength, total body conditioning, and mobility when I can. I realized that my 10 pound dumbbells aren’t doing the trick anymore, so I just bought a kit that includes all the different components for setting up a barbell, kettlebell, and dumbbells. It goes up to 60 pounds, but I can add more if needed. It’s pretty nifty!

I also started physical therapy in late August. I had been dealing with neck pain since the beginning of 2025. My rheumatologist didn’t think it was related to the AS, but he wanted me to start PT anyway. I’ve also had right-side shoulder/clavicle pain since May 2024 — definitely related to the CrossFit-style workouts at TFN (the first pain flare happened during a workout…). Any movement overhead is painful and even giving loved ones hugs (if my arms are up) is painful, too. Mark, my physical therapist, thinks it’s a rotator cuff injury, which, left untreated, probably caused the neck pain. Getting old is a lot of fun! AS can affect peripheral joints (AKA your shoulders) but I’m glad it’s most likely my rotator cuff and not another part of my body affected by the diagnosis.

My Favorite Memories from August 2025 ❤

I started a part-time job at Old Navy in July. I know I talked a lot about being too busy but for me, this was important for a couple of reasons. First, to increase my activity level a little bit more since studies show that rest can make the symptoms of AS worse (seriously? WTF!), and second, for a goal I’m hoping to accomplish in 2026: become a first-time homeowner. I picked less free time and more money over more free time and less money. I’m a single gal, so buying a house is not something I take lightly. I would be responsible for all bills, just like I have been since 2017 when I moved out of my parents’ house and assumed all finances myself. While I pay a lot of money currently to live on my own, it’s still nothing compared to what I’d be paying as a homeowner. I will save as much as I can between now and when it’s time to buy and just hope for the best.

It’s also been good for me because I’m on my feet for 4-6 hours, depending on what I’m scheduled for. There are some shifts where I’m doing “recovery”, meaning I’m taking items back from the fitting rooms or cashwrap area (register) and putting them back on the racks where they belong. This involves a lot of walking (and even some lifting!), which is good for me and for the AS (not so good for my shoulder). Sometimes I’m not doing a lot of walking because I’m cashing people out, but hey, I’m still relatively active on shift, making money, and meeting new people. It has been a good decision so far.

I’m trying to stick to around 2000 calories per day, give or take.

An easy way to figure out your daily calorie intake is to take your goal weight (be realistic! I said 170 pounds to start with) and times that by 12. For example: 170 x 12 = 2,040.

As of right now, I’m not focused on protein, carb, and fat totals — just the overall calories. Doing too much at once with regards to tracking overwhelms me and it’s best to just keep an eye on my daily calories vs. all the nuances of macro tracking.

I’m having meat ick again, too, so I’m struggling to eat meat that I cook myself. If someone else makes it, I’m OK to eat it. It’s weird and I know that. I’ve had a couple Vegetarian Phases throughout my life, but I always go back to eating chicken and turkey.

I had such anxiety over logging food in My Fitness Pal that I took a break from it for months (hello weight gain! This is what happens when you stop tracking and wing it) and started handwriting my food log. It requires a little more effort on my part to calculate totals, but it’s been nice to go back to pen and paper. (It also means less time on my phone, which is nice because I feel like I’m always on it lately!)

I have some days where I’m within range and other days where I’m not. I try not to beat myself up over this. I recognize that life is still meant to be enjoyed. I’ve had several amazing events this year — my cousin’s bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding; my college roommate’s bridal shower, bachelorette party, and backyard BBQ celebration; Chloe and Peter’s baby shower; and we’re about to start celebrating my best friend Becca, who is getting married in January 2026. I’ve been planning her bridal shower with her future MIL, Tammy, and one of her bridesmaids, Amanda. Life is crazy, but it’s good and I feel so grateful to be included in their big, life-changing moments. ❤

My Favorite Memories from September 2025 (so far!) ❤

I try to do what I can every day make better choices, but I’m human and sometimes that doesn’t always happen. I’ve learned that you can’t beat yourself up over these things because in the end, it doesn’t matter.

No one is going to write on my gravestone, “She tried her best to be skinny”.

No.

They’re going to remember that I was there for them, no matter what.

That I was a loving cat mom, daughter, sister, friend, and more.

That’s the legacy I leave behind — not the number on the scale or the size of my jeans.

The last 3 1/2 months of 2025 are going to be a whirlwind of busyness, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Next up: Becca’s bridal shower, bachelorette party, and Becca and Dalton’s January 10, 2026 wedding. Not to mention more shifts at Old Navy, trying to establish (and maintain) a good workout routine, all the fun holiday fairs with delicious treats, and more.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a wild ride!

❤ Kate