People always talk about their why for anything they do.

I have a lot of whys and that’s because of how much time I lost with my weight gain. 

I don’t think many realize just how much weight gain takes away from you. 

You stop taking selfies, you stop posing for pictures with friends, you don’t leave your house, you use food to cope with the pain of what you’ve done to yourself, you stop dating, and you become a shell of a human. 

I’m speaking from experience here. Trust me. I wanted nothing to do with life. I used to love life. I loved going out to eat with friends and family, going shopping, running errands, traveling, going to the beach, dating, and being active. I almost completely stopped interacting with people unless I had to. I always had excuses for why I couldn’t see so and so. 

If I had to be in photos, I tucked myself behind other people so I could look as small as possible. What did that do? I actually think it brought more attention to me, not less. Take this photo from my sister’s graduation as an example. The attention should have been on her, graduating from SHU with TWO degrees, but with me grumbling about photos (and hating every single one), I made it more about me than her. That’s not OK. It was her day.

I was so proud of her. She was a college graduate! She kicked butt and took names — especially considering her study abroad semester in Germany had been cut short the year before and she still managed to do an internship and freelance for a company based in Germany. Thanks, COVID.

But I couldn’t post any photos of us from that day despite being incredibly proud of her because of some mix of selfish pride and embarrassment. And I didn’t even let her post the family photo to social media because I didn’t want anyone to see me like that either, despite being partially hidden.

I think this may be the first time these photos are shared publicly — and that terrifies me, but I’m owning my truth.

I’m proud of both women in these photos.

I had to have an honest conversation with myself. Why are you doing this, Kate? Snap out of it before you lose even more memories with the people you love. Easier said than done.

I had sunk so low into a deep depression that I still have dirt underneath my fingernails from clawing my way out. 

I knew I needed to make a change.

I posted this photo of me and Bekah at a soccer game on Instagram in October 2023. By this point, I was down 33 pounds (25 on my own and 8 pounds with Steff).

Except for the occasional selfies after getting my hair done (with my phone strategically blocking my face), my face was really never shown too much on social media.

My college roomie, Ali, messaged me to say I was “GLOWING”. I attributed it to the “overcast Connecticut weather & my super pale sister” (love you, Bekah!).

I didn’t want to tell Ali that I had fully committed to my weight loss journey 6 weeks prior and that’s probably why I was glowing. (The overcast weather definitely helped though!) I had done that so many times before and had never followed through. I wanted to keep my journey with Steff on the down-low just in case I let myself (and others) down again.

I was feeling more like Kate every day and it was starting to show. (A guy even flirted with me while buying another USA hat at one of the kiosks! Bekah realized what was happening and walked away! She’s a terrible wing woman. I had no clue what to do, so I basically ran away. Not one of my finer moments…)

Look at me now! I actually leave my apartment. I joined Toastmasters. I make plans with the people I love — the ones who love me regardless of my weight. I take photos with friends and family and proudly share the photos to social media. It hasn’t been an easy journey to get to where I am today, but here’s what I’m looking forward to: 

• Picking up skiing again in November 2024 (I haven’t skied since 5th grade!)
• Joining a women’s pickup field hockey league
• Continuing to push my limits in the gym 
  • I hit a 210 pound one rep max for deadlifts on April 5!
  • I hit a 150 pound one rep max for front squats on April 11!
• Feeling confident that I can rock a bathing suit at a moment’s notice (or any type of clothing!) 
• Traveling on my own and with my loved ones 
• Dating again (this terrifies me! I’ll probably keep running away anytime someone flirts with me…)

Many of these things I could have done 72 pounds heavier, but remember that I just wanted to be invisible.

The only place to ski where I live is full of locals I know — many people I’ve known my whole life.

I was asked a few years back to be on a women’s field hockey league but I declined and blamed it on the commute when in actuality, it was because I was so out of shape and overweight that it would have been miserable for me in so many ways.

It’s hard to date when you don’t love or take care of yourself. How can you ever expect someone to love you if you’re so focused on all the reasons why you don’t love you?

My why is simple. I want my life back. I want Kate back.

What is your why? Tell me in the comments!

See you on Tuesday!
~ K