Hi, friends!

Beware. This is my longest blog post to date, but I think it’s a good one and I am going to be a little more vulnerable than usual… I’ve been drafting this post for over a month, so we have a lot of catching up to do! It’s all related, I promise.

I’ve tried to organize it into sections with headings. Feel free to skip around to whatever sections interest you or read the whole post. Either way, I love that you’re here. Thank you ❤

1. Whoops, I published a blog post in July about June but never shared
2. The best* summer
   1. Beginning summer weight & the scale
   2. July
   3. August
3. *The worst summer?
4. Steff to the rescue (again)
5. Eat like you love yourself… or not
6. Deficit status: questionable but powering through
7. Therapy update
8. Turning to music in the meantime
9. Support systems
10. Wrap it up and put a bow on it

Whoops, I published a blog post in July about June but never shared

It has been a while since I’ve posted… well, that’s not actually true. I had drafted a blog post in June that I was refining but I forgot that I had queued it to go live in July. You can imagine my surprise when I got the email that my unfinished post had been published and distributed to my email subscribers successfully. Oh well. It happens. I was able to go back in and clean it up for the version that lives on my blog, but I couldn’t take back the email.

I never socialized the blog post though, so if you’re curious about what I wrote about in June, or only read the unedited version in your inbox, and want to show it some love, check it out here. ❤

If you prefer the Spark Notes version (it’s OK, I understand — but you’re missing good photos and life updates!), June was good to me. Steff and I had originally agreed that I’d continue with my weight loss journey on my own. Well… that didn’t happen. I ended up having a heart-to-heart with her fairly early on in June and I made the decision that I needed to spend some time at maintenance. (Maintenance just means maintaining the weight lost and not gaining back any weight or losing any more weight.)

I hemmed and hawed about starting my deficit back up again in July. I wrote out a pros and cons list, and based on the number in the pros column, it was settled: time to start my deficit back up.

That lasted all of 2 days. That was OK though. I’m not mad about it. A calorie deficit can be a mental game and I wasn’t ready to play.

Now that you’re all caught up from June to first two days of July, let’s keep going!

The best* summer

I want everyone to know I had one of the best summers I’ve had in many, many years. And yes, it absolutely had to do with my weight loss. I felt like myself again. I spent more time out of my apartment than in it!

I enjoyed wearing tank tops and dresses. I lived in bodysuits and shorts. I remember at my heaviest weight all I wanted to do was get to a physique where I felt I could rock a bodysuit and jeans. (Remember: you can wear whatever clothes you want no matter your size, but what do you feel best in? I did not feel my best in something that tight.) Jeans and a bodysuit are essentially my causal go-to outfit now.

I didn’t mind being in a bathing suit (but it still wasn’t a bikini — next summer, for sure, I’m speaking that into existence). It involved quality family time and time spent with friends. Time spent on the beach (and you know I ❤ the beach). I got to spend the day on a boat (my first time in Rhode Island)! I even went to a concert.

Beginning summer weight & the scale

I continued to monitor my weight via the scale once a week. I still haven’t taken my scale back yet from Steff, so I would weigh in Mondays or Tuesdays at the gym. My weight fluctuated between 159-161 pounds, depending on the day, hormones, sleep, etc. It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to stay at the exact same weight every single day. I even went to the doctors in July for a suspected hernia (spoiler alert if you didn’t read Hello, July!: it is a hernia) and weighed in on their scale at 158!

This is where I go back and forth with our lovely friend, the scale. Checking in on your weight once a week can be helpful, but it could also still show a sizable loss/gain (especially if you’re someone who fluctuates like I do) — and that might not be the most useful data. Weighing in more frequently, even once a day at the same time and getting the average for the week, could be more beneficial. That would absolutely show when you might have a problem. Remember that a “problem” doesn’t have to be weight gain, it depends on your goals. For me, a “problem” would be the trend continuing to go up, especially when I’m trying to keep the trend even keel.

Scale BS aside… Let’s talk about summer 2024!

July

July included a 2-day trip to the Cape, a hair refresh with my favorite stylist, quality time with Zeus, buying books for my August trip to the Cape, becoming the President of my Toastmasters club, and winning Club Officer of the Quarter for my last quarter as the Vice President of Membership.

Here’s July in photos:

August

August was jam-packed, but in all the best ways. It included a week-long trip to the Cape complete with delicious food including Thai on the beach, lots of walks with Momma D, a nice tan, and the boys being taken care of by their best pal, Ashley; an Avril Lavigne concert, my cousin getting engaged!; firearms safety training course; a reunion with Lindsay; my first visit to Rhode Island; and receiving my Pathfinder Award for Toastmasters (successful completion of all 5 levels in one Toastmasters year).

*The worst summer?

My summer wasn’t all sunshine and hydrangeas though.

My family unexpectedly lost my Uncle Stephen, Pa’s youngest brother, on July 24. He was one of the most important men in my life. Every time I sat on my couch with my boys to write and revise this blog post, I was in tears. The wound is still raw. I’m deep in my grief and it feels like I’ll never move forward. I wrote his obituary hoping it would jumpstart the healing process, or would lead to some sort of peace at least. (It didn’t.)

The night he died, almost to the minute, was the same night I won Club Officer of the Quarter (Q4) for my Toastmasters club. I had been nominated in Q3 and lost. I struggled with how much joy I had felt when they announced my name as the winner and when I realized my uncle had taken his last breath around the same time. I know he was proud of me and the progress I’ve made in all aspects. I would give back that award and give up all future awards to have him back.

I’ve been full of regrets since Uncle Stephen died. He lived in Montana but always came back east whenever he could. He was here in 2020 to visit but I chose not to see him because I was at my heaviest weight and I didn’t want him to see me like that. I’m devastated by my behavior. It could have been another good memory for me to look back on but instead, it’s plagued by me letting my weight dictate who I chose to see or not see during that painful period of my life. I’m also sad that I didn’t go out to Montana to visit with him and see the place he loved so much and called home for almost 4 decades. I will go out to Montana one day — mark my words.

Here are some of my favorite photos with Uncle Stephen over the years, including some from his celebration of life. I’m so grateful that we all were together in April for my cousin Peter’s wedding. It softens a little bit of the regret I have. The boys and I loved watching the birds on our balcony until my apartment complex decided no one was allowed to have bird feeders anymore. My favorite bird to watch is the woodpecker. Many know that cardinals are a sign from heaven. You can imagine how I felt when I was at my parents’ house after his passing and saw a woodpecker AND a cardinal on the same feeder. ❤

Losing him sent me into a tailspin and I went off the rails. Lots of people talk about having an 80/20 approach to life (80% whole foods and prioritize protein/20% “fun” things). Working with Steff, it was more like 90/10, which was great balance for me with my IBD and my physique goals. After Uncle Stephen’s death, it was probably 10/90. Yes, you read that right. 10% whole foods/prioritize protein and 90% whatever the f*ck I wanted.

And once I started down my spiral, I could not stop. I was barely logging anything into My Fitness Pal. I logged just enough to continue my streak. I was still going to the gym though. I was working out in 4-6 classes per week and coaching 3+ classes per week. (Is me coaching new news for you? Then you really should read Hello, July! — just saying…)

But it’s like I always write in these blog posts: you cannot out-train a poor diet. No amount of strength training or cardio was going to undo the scale creep back to 165 pounds. I was eating a ton of processed crap, which really screwed with my IBD. I was eating takeout for multiple meals/week. The warning signs were there — I was slipping back into the old habits that got me to 240 pounds in the first place.

I kept promising Uncle Stephen I wouldn’t undo all of the hard work I’d put in. I’d like to believe he can hear me. When he saw me in April at my cousin’s wedding for the first time since 2019, he was beyond thrilled that I had gotten my shit together. He had been so worried about me and told me he relieved he didn’t have to worry about me or my health anymore. He was a proud supporter of my blog and social media posts.

I couldn’t let him down and I was doing exactly that.

I wanted to stay in my spiral until September 1 and then I’d start my deficit back up to finish what I had started and undo the damage I had done. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself. It allowed me to justify continuing to eat like an a**hole.

Steff to the rescue (again)

On August 29, Steff did what Steff does and stepped in.

You can’t argue with Steff, especially when she uses your blog name against you! Trust me, I’ve been trying for a year now!

Steff, can you believe it’s been a year since I walked into TFN and asked you not to give up on me?! I know I’m a bit difficult at times, but thank you for continuing to see beyond my bullsh*t. I appreciate you more than I could ever put into words. ❤

Eat like you love yourself… or not

I was bloated all the time, fatigued, having a difficult time recovering from challenging workouts, sleeping poorly, breakouts all over my face, etc. I didn’t feel my best. I wasn’t fueling my body properly. I was relying on restaurants to feed me. I went to McDonalds after my uncle’s wake. I was going to Cumberland Farms for cinnamon rolls. I went to Chick-fil-A two times in one week. I’d go to Walmart a few times a week for bags of chips (and no, not single-serve packs — FAMILY size bags…) to eat in one sitting. I definitely overindulged in some pumpkin-spiced items from Starbucks and Dunkin. I don’t even want to think about how much I spent on wasted groceries and takeout.

They say that you should eat like you love yourself. Eating 2500-3000+ calories every day of cinnamon rolls, chips, and fast food was not me loving myself. You don’t always think of that when you’re actively shoving food down your throat, but you do afterwards when you’re feeling like you got run over by a mack truck and the sadness returns.

I am not saying don’t eat the cinnamon rolls, chips, and McDonalds — so please don’t think that. I am saying that you should eat what makes you feel your best overall. What does that look like for you? Is that the 80/20 balance? Is that 75/25? Is it 90/10? Is it sacrificing some of those things for a short time while you focus on your goal? Only you know what’s going to make you successful.

Deficit status: questionable but powering through

Not every day is good deficit-wise though. I’m not as “in it” as I was a year ago when Steff and I started the first 12-week session.

I have days where I stay within my calories, days when I’m under calories, and I have other days where I am way, way over. I’m inconsistent and I can’t get out of my own head.

I’m doing all the right things: going to the gym, meal planning and prepping on Sundays, buying all the right food at the grocery store, drinking 1/2 gallon to 1 gallon of water a day…

… but most days I just want more calories than I should be eating. This is problematic because it puts me closer to maintenance or even into a surplus.

When I went back on my deficit, I had a drastic cut in calories. I wish I had slowly decreased so it wouldn’t have been a loss of 1000+ calories in one day. I think that’s why my adherence has been crappy. I know it probably sounds like I’m making excuses (and it feels like that honestly), but I wonder if I’d be dealing better with the hunger if I had gradually reduced my intake by 200-300 calories every 1-2 weeks. Anyways, there’s no time to dwell on that because I’m almost 1 month into my “deficit”.

As of today (September 24), I’m down to 162 pounds, technically a gain from last week (161.4), but an overall loss of 3 pounds since I started back up on August 29. Would it be more if I had remained on-track and disciplined? Absolutely. Am I mad about it? Nah. It would be one thing if I was doing all the right things and not losing, but I’m doing half of the right things so my loss is slower or not a loss at all. Do I also know that that time of the month is near? Yup!

I’m trying to think of things I can do when I’m feeling hungry and it’s not meal time.

Now that it seems to be getting cooler, I might start my Decompression Walks back up again. I don’t walk much anymore because I spend enough time working out, but these walks are less for calorie burn and more so my chance to unwind, think, listen to my Spotify playlists and podcasts, and enjoy being outside as the leaves continue to turn.

I also have plenty of coloring books and find-a-word puzzles. I recently got into Royal Match so I can play a few games until I run out of lives. I have a 530-day Duolingo streak to maintain as well!

I wish I was done with the fat loss phase but I know that the more time I spend going over my deficit calories, the more time I need to spend undoing it.

I just need to stay the course, but why does it feel impossible?

Therapy update

I was in daily standup with my favorite coworker last week. I don’t know what happened but I just lost it and burst into tears. I sobbed, “I just don’t know what’s up with me lately”.

My coworker is pragmatic. She immediately said, “I think you’re in one of the stages of grief. Let’s google the stages of grief and see which one”. (If you don’t have a coworker like that, then I think you need to get better coworkers, just saying!) She pulled up the stages of grief on her shared screen: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I immediately said depression because it feels like depression, but she said, “No, Kate, I think you’re actually in the anger stage. Every little thing seems to set you off and that’s not like you at all”. I realized she was right. I’m usually easygoing, but lately I’m just over it. I’m irritated all the time. I have little patience. I’m angry with myself, with others, with Uncle Stephen, and whatever higher power exists beyond the physical world that took my uncle at 54 years old.

I thought finding a therapist would be easy but I was wrong. It’s discouraging. This is exactly why so many people struggle to get the mental health help they need. Just when I thought I had lined up a therapist that would work for me and filled out all of the paperwork, I ran into issues with my insurance. I’m not giving up though. I have a new approach for how to handle it and I will find a therapist.

There are some things that you should lean into despite how uncomfortable it may be, and taking care of your mental health is one of those things. I think it’s perfectly OK to say that you’re struggling and seek help. I think a misconception I had was that my weight loss would magically fix everything wrong upstairs but it’s made it more prominent and the death of my uncle was the straw the broke the camel’s back.

I hope that sharing my continued mental struggles, despite losing 80 pounds, helps you see that it’s ok to ask for help, too. ❤

Turning to music in the meantime

You might not know what type of music I listen to. I actually did a Toastmasters speech on this and shocked everyone in the room with the answer.

I am a metalcore and deathcore fan. Yes. BLEGHs and headbangs are how I like to live my life. I’ve been into metalcore since high school and deathcore recently (within the last couple of years). Before you get all judge-y (it’s OK! I understand), I think it’s more important to look at the lyrics vs. the delivery of the lyrics. 😉

I’ve been playing my Spotify Likes on shuffle when I get in the car and every so often, a song that I’ve loved in the past comes on and relates to how I’m feeling currently.

I was actually driving home from New Hampshire around 9:30 PM on September 19 after dinner with a friend when these two metalcore songs came on.

The first song is “Sabotage” by Thousand Below.

The lyrics go:

You haven’t been yourself in a while now
Forgot what you said to yourself last week
You wouldn’t be this person acting crazy
Are you broken? Maybe I should slow it down
I should breathe in

Sit tight, you’ll fix it when you’re supposed to
It’s all right, they don’t know what you go through
Feel you hesitate, made from my mistakes
Only can blame myself

But is it s*****e or sabotage, you think?
‘Cause I feel you slipping

Far from me, fading slowly
Every time I hurt myself, I push away your help
And you know my soul is empty

And the second song is “Disease” by Beartooth.

The lyrics go:

Stuck at the surface
Not making progress
Falling apart
Well I’m trying my hardest
Looking for answers
Finding a woe
Is their noose getting tighter?
I’m losing control

Will the end make me whole again?

It’s like holding on
When my grip is lost
I still feed my insecurity
When I know the cost
Is it taking over?
Will it bury me?
Or will clarity become the cure for my disease?

I want to clarify something right off the bat: I am not su*c*dal. I just appreciate good lyrics.

I can see how my actions (eating off plan, eating too many calories, having a “f**k it” mentality) is sabotaging me. It’s prolonging the progress I could have made already.

And when you have someone like Steff who is trying to make sure I don’t fall off the wagon, get hit by a truck, and pushed off a cliff all on the same day, I’m pushing her and her help away when I act like this.

You don’t always realize how much your actions impact those who love you until you hear it in the lyrics of a song that you love to cry/scream/sing along to in your car. When I made that revelation, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Do I continue to feed my insecurities when I know exactly what that does? Yes.

Am I perfect? No.

Am I sometimes going to let emotion dictate my day? Well, hopefully once I get the mental help I need, I’ll be able to end that vicious cycle.

If you want to, check out my Songs when I’m mad & sad and just want to scream playlist on Spotify. It includes these two songs and many more. I’m always adding to it.

Support systems

If you’ve read through all of my blather, thank you. My blog has been an outlet for me to process everything I’ve been through in the last year, even if I only started it in April 2024 (my biggest regret has been not starting it sooner). It has also been a great way to capture all of my thoughts and photos, both good and bad, as a moment in time.

I am so humbled by all of the people who have told me that I inspire them — that I’m the reason they’ve decided to take back control of their health, too. I didn’t realize how many people I’d help. I also didn’t realize how much I’d need the support of those around me, especially lately. The people in my life have helped me more than they know.

Look at some of these incredible Facebook messages I’ve gotten from people at my gym:

I also received a handmade card AND quilt from my mom’s cousin, Laura. The boys and I love the quilt and snuggle with it all the time, especially as it gets cooler in Massachusetts.

Wrap it up and put a bow on it

Nothing about losing weight is easy. There is nothing easy about changing your entire routine to fit in the gym or giving up part of your Sundays for meal planning, grocery shopping, and food prep. I get it. There’s nothing fun about running to the bathroom every hour because you’ve drank a gallon of water. Some days it’s easier to say, “I cannot cook tonight. Let’s get takeout”. I do that too, but I try to be more mindful of the choices I’m making when I go out to eat (most of the time… I could be better).

It comes down to consistency.

Commit to consistency, not perfection. You’ll get further faster by taking action than by taking no action at all.

Can you be consistent? Can you show up for yourself even on the days when it feels like the weight of the world is suffocating you?

I need to be better about this.

Do you, too?

I promise to see you soon,
❤ Kate