No one really understands how much your weight impacts your day-to-day unless you’ve been overweight, too. I’m not talking 5-10 pounds — I’m talking a significant amount of weight — so significant people tell you they don’t even recognize you.

When I realized my weight gain, because it honestly crept up on me even though the signs were quite apparent, I became self-conscious and incredibly self-aware. Yes, my body had gained 60 pounds and you could see the gain everywhere, but the weight gain in my face was the hardest pill to swallow. There was no hiding your face like you could “hide” your body. 

I bought baggier clothes to hide my body (which honestly had the opposite effect I was going for).

Anytime I went anywhere I could see people I knew, I’d wear a full face of makeup.

I always dressed presentably so no one would assume I was a slob. (I think that’s one of the biggest biases towards overweight people. If you assume all overweight people are slobs, get that outta ya head, please!)

I shopped for new clothes all the time to mask the depression and to continue dressing my ever-changing body.

I shut myself off from dating. I only saw family. Any friends I saw would get the, “I’m fat now, but I’m still the same Kate underneath the excess fat” spiel before I saw them.

Photos of me posted on social media — I immediately untagged myself. I rarely shared photos of myself on social media.

I did not want to be seen.

When I started working from home, it was a blessing not to go into an office so I could hide at home. 

(I’m trying out gallery images for this post because I have so many photos from my year in Toastmasters, so be sure to tap/click on the photos to see them full-size! It should work on your cell phone, tablet, and laptop.)

I started Toastmasters in May 2023. Fat Kate who wanted to hide but was choosing to get up in front of 30+ eyeballs every week? IN PERSON!?

Was I crazy? Maybe a little bit. (All the best people are!)

I had made joining Toastmasters a bold goal for work during the November 2022 – October 2023 fiscal year. I had set the goal in November 2022, but it took me until the last week of April 2023 to work up the courage to contact the club. I was cursing November 2022 Kate. I was so annoyed at her.

Why did I do this to myself? Did I really want to work on my public speaking that badly?

Every one-on-one with my boss was the same.

Kate, when are you going to contact the club?
Kate, have you reached out to the club yet?
Kate, we’re halfway through the year…

I will reach out when I’m good and ready, darnit! I would think to myself.

But time was ticking and I needed to hop on it.

And so, begrudgingly, I did.

In some way, I thought I’d get my confidence back by forcing myself to take the lectern every Tuesday. It was a lot to show up every Tuesday from 6:45 PM to 8:15 PM ready to speak and participate in the meetings.

And almost every week there would be someone new. Would their first impression of me be, Wowee, she’s HUGE!? And when I took on the Vice President of Membership officer role, it meant I had to interact with people even more. I was their first point of contact. So much for hiding, huh?

And let’s talk about my eating habits after Toastmasters meetings before I started working with Steff. After the meeting, I’d drive out of my way to stop by Dairy Queen for dinner around 9 PM. I’d get a 3-piece chicken tender, fries, honey mustard, ranch, buffalo sauce, a small Blizzard, and a drink. I’d eat half of that before I even got home. It was my way of “dealing with” the anxiety of public speaking.

I will go to the meeting because I’ll get Dairy Queen after.

What do I do after Toastmasters meetings now? Well, Steff would prefer I eat before I go to my meetings but that’s not always possible; however, my dinner is always prepped and ready for me to heat and eat when I get home. No more Dairy Queen pitstops… I miss it though. I would be lying if I said otherwise.

Every single meeting I attended from May through November was spent dressed to the 9s and with a full face of makeup. 

I stopped wearing makeup to meetings when my face slimmed down. I didn’t think I needed it anymore.

I didn’t feel the need to dress up as much either.

I wasn’t trying to hide.

I feel beautiful again.

Instead of taking an hour before meetings to straighten my hair, try on 8373647 clothes, and put on a full face of makeup, I now take 10 minutes to change, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and maybe, occasionally, throw some mascara on. That’s it.

Instead of feeling nervous and anxious about people’s eyes on me every time I get on the stage, my inner confidence, which has come from mostly the weight loss, shines through. I take the stage knowing I have something important to say and I can feel good about what I’m saying.

I truly believe that when you’re confident in your outward appearance, it does something magical inside. 

Don’t get it twisted though – public speaking is not something I’m amazing at. I’m still awkward as heck in front of people, but I’m getting better every single day that I choose to show up for myself.

I wish I was one of those people who loved herself at 240 pounds. That was impossible for me, no matter how hard I tried.

And if you’re reading this and you are one of those people who loves yourself regardless of the number on the scale, I am so proud of you and jealous that you are able to do something I couldn’t.

And if you’re not someone who can love yourself because of the number on the scale, I understand.

I know what it’s like to place all my worth on that stupid number. What that number doesn’t show is the type of cat mom, daughter, sister, friend, niece, coworker, and Toastmaster I am. It doesn’t show that I’d drop everything I’m doing to help someone in need. It doesn’t show that I love challenging myself and learning new things, or that I love doing things that scare me.

Toastmasters gave me a safe place to get used to having dozens of eyeballs on me and work on my public speaking. I’m working on completing my pathway in Presentation Mastery by the end of June 2024 (Pathfinder Award, here I come!). I am forever grateful for my experiences at my club. The relationships I’ve made here are truly some of the best.

I am proud to be a member of the Shrewsbury Toastmasters and I’m looking forward to what’s to come. 🙂

Leave your guesses for me and Carol’s costumes in the comments!

See you next time,
~ K