Let me start by wishing my cousin, Peter, and his new wife, Chloe, a lifetime of love, happiness, and golden retrievers — congratulations to the newest Mr. and Mrs. Domenichella! ❤️

I was looking forward to this weekend because it would be a family reunion. These are relatives I don’t see often, so when we can all get together and it’s not for a funeral, it’s a great time. And while I was so excited to celebrate Peter and Chloe, I was also excited to show off how hard I’d been working on my nutrition and in the gym to the people who hadn’t seen me in years and the people who had never met me (first impressions are everything).

Their wedding was one of the drivers of me sticking with my weight loss journey. I knew there would be enough photos to last a lifetime and I didn’t want to continue the trend of having a whole collection of photos that I hated or having to untag myself from photos on social media. Peter is the first cousin out of five on the Domenichella side to marry (and the only male cousin!), so it’s kind of a big deal. It’s also hard to hide at a wedding. Everyone posts pictures whether you like them or not, you end up in the background of photos in less than flattering positions, and those pesky photographers and videographers come out of nowhere to capture candid moments. There’s no worse feeling than not feeling good about yourself and having that memory live forever.

And in big group settings like this, you expose yourself to tons of people who tend to judge first and think about you as a human being second. And whether people like to admit it or not, we all judge in some way or another. As someone who spent a lot of time on the receiving end, I know that people who are fat are judged more harshly. For me, I wanted my weight to stop being the topic of conversation. I couldn’t take another, “What happened to Katie? Why does she look like that?” text message from a family member to Momma D. I had had enough, so I finally did something about it.

As the wedding grew closer, I started freaking out.

What was I going to wear to the family reunion/welcome dinner on Friday night? Was I going to wear the dress I bought specifically for the wedding way back in January for the ceremony on Saturday night?

Was I physically ready to be seen by all of the people I love and strangers I had never met but would be considered family by marriage after this weekend?

What was I going to do about my protocols while I spent 2 nights away from home? What would I eat? How would I track? Would I make the time for a workout? Would I gouge myself on the continental breakfast every morning?

And as I silently struggled with all of these thoughts, I remembered that I had someone in my corner who would help me sort out how I was feeling – Steff. And so when I saw her on Friday morning for my personal training, 6 hours before I needed to hit the road for the wedding weekend (WW), and she asked me get on the scale (which is not atypical on a Friday!), I burst into tears. Poor Steff, who had been sick with pneumonia all week and hadn’t seen me since Monday, was concerned to say the least.

My adherence to my deficit calories had been sh*t all week. I had been over by about 100 calories/day, but I had logged every single thing that I had put into my mouth and didn’t once try to hide that. I figured the scale would just tell me how much of a screwup I was and it would start the WW off on the wrong foot. It didn’t, of course, and actually showed a drop in weight, which resulted in Steff doing some quick calculations based on my new stats and increasing my allotted calories by 150. (Huzzah!)

During our session, we talked about all the questions that had been on my mind. We came up with a game plan. I had missed a couple of our PTs that week because she was out sick. We agreed that I’d go to the hotel gym on Saturday and get a workout in. (And NO! This was not a punishment workout — this was a I need to move my body because I haven’t moved it a whole lot this week and I’d feel better if I did workout. Plus, all those extra wedding weekend carbs would be put to great use!) I sent her pictures of the hotel gym’s equipment so she could come up with my programming.

With a cooler full of fruits, veggies, deli meat, and protein shakes, 7 dress options for Friday’s welcome dinner and Saturday’s ceremony, and Steff’s advice of, “don’t be an a**hole, but enjoy yourself” on my mind, I kissed my boys one hundred times each and hit the road.

On the way to New Hampshire, I munched on a protein bar and drank a protein iced coffee. I had a couple slices of deli meat, too. I was feeling reinvigorated and ready to take on the wedding weekend.

The hotel lobby and welcome dinner were full of reunions. My relatives hugged me tightly and told me how proud they were that I was taking my life back. It meant a lot to me to hear people acknowledge all of the hard work, time, money, blood, sweat, and tears I had put into losing 75 pounds. I didn’t do it for them, I did it for me, but gosh does it feel good when someone acknowledges what it truly takes to lose weight. It’s not a walk in the park, that’s for sure!

Finger foods were served at the welcome dinner. I filled my plate with roasted veggies, olives, chicken skewers, a couple chicken tenders, a 1.5×1.5 slice of pizza, a potsticker, a beef tenderloin crostini, and some honey mustard. This was my first time having fried food, honey mustard, and real pizza since September 24. It was delicious.

I was still hungry so I went back for seconds, grabbing a smaller plate this time. There were no more roasted veggies or olives, so I grabbed 2 more chicken skewers, 2 more chicken tenders, 2 more of those mini pizzas, 1 potsticker, and some buffalo sauce (the honey mustard was empty *insert sad face*).

I was feeling a little stuffed after that but there’s always room for dessert so I grabbed a single-serve brownie. Amazing. A little bit later I couldn’t not have a chocolate chip cookie, so I walked on over to get one of those, too. So good. I am not a drinker, so my drink of choice was just seltzer with lime (I prefer to eat my calories).

I left the welcome dinner with my stomach and heart feeling full.

(I am so sorry that I don’t have any food pictures! If you know me, you know that I ALWAYS take food photos but I have no food pictures from the whole weekend, so here’s a picture of me eating…)

Saturday was a different story. I won’t lie or sugarcoat anything. You, dear reader, deserve honesty. This is a blog about taking back my life after a significant weight gain and there are going to be moments when I slip. I’m human. It’s important for me to be transparent, even when I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

Saturday morning started off rough. I was up at 4 AM on the dot (way earlier than I wake up at home!). I just couldn’t sleep. After lying in bed for 75 minutes, I finally got out of bed, put on my workout clothes, and headed to the hotel gym to do Steff’s workout. The workout kicked my butt, but I left the gym feeling great knowing the muscle pump would serve me well in my dress that evening.

I headed back to my shared room with Bekah. I freshened up and hung out in bed for a bit until Momma D texted me that she was up, too. We headed down to breakfast together while my sister and Pa slept.

We split an everything bagel with cream cheese. I also got eggs, a couple turkey sausage patties, and some salsa for the eggs.

Then I went back up for some Fruit Loops with oat milk.

After that, we headed back upstairs and ran into Pa. He headed down for breakfast, Momma D went back to their room, and I went back to my room. I ate one of my full-size Dive Bars because I was still hungry.

20 minutes later, I accompanied Bekah downstairs for breakfast. I was excited because it meant I could try something else from the buffet. I picked oatmeal and added some brown sugar and chocolate chips. It was pretty good. When we left, I grabbed some more Fruit Loops minus the milk for the walk back upstairs (I honestly love eating cereal as-is!).

I still didn’t feel satiated, so I grabbed another full-sized Dive Bar after I finished the second bowl of Fruit Loops.

By now, the realization of what I had done was setting in. I could hear Steff’s Don’t be an a**hole, but enjoy yourself in my head. And so, while I waited for my parents to come get us for the errands we were going to run in town before the wedding that evening, I logged my food (best guesses) on My Fitness Pal for a date 2 years in the future. (Steff and I had agreed that I wouldn’t do anything except log something quickly to keep my streak alive.)

My breakfast feast? About 1,000 calories.

Steff had increased my calories to 1,650 so if I had been following my calories that day, I would only have 650 calories left to last me from 10 AM to bedtime. It wasn’t even lunchtime and I still had a wedding to go to! Kind of crazy when you put it into perspective like that, huh?

I was ashamed. I felt like a kid who had been left alone in the candy store unsupervised and with a wallet full of money.

After we got back to the hotel from our errands, it was around 1:30 and I was hungry. I had taken Pa to Burger King before we got back to the hotel and while I really wanted some fries, I passed on the fast food. I grabbed the deli meat, fruit, veggies, and dip from the fridge.

At home, I carefully weigh out my food, log it, and put the containers away before I eat to prevent sneaky hands. Well, WW Kate kept reaching into the containers, barely swallowing what she was chewing before eating more. Yes, this was turkey, chicken, peppers, green goddess salad dressing, raspberries, strawberries, grapes, and a mini Dive Bar, but “healthy” food still has calories!

I logged this into MFP, too, just to see — about 700 calories, give or take. If I had been sticking to my allotted calories, there would have been no calories left for the wedding itself.

I chugged water while I got ready for the wedding. I didn’t feel great. I had a headache and I knew it was probably a combination of lack of sleep, lack of caffeine, lack of water, lack of routine, and the significant increase in sugar from the last 20 hours. My gut was mad. I was so bloated and uncomfortable. I knew restricting my dinner wasn’t an option because that would most likely lead to even worse choices after the wedding. I had to just move on. I had to come to terms with what I had done, accept it, and move forward. Wallowing in “woe is me” is not my MO anymore.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful! Short, sweet, and full of love.

For the table assignments, they had a cute arancini ball with your name and table number. A little bit later the servers came around with a platter of mini meatballs, so I had one of those, too. After that, it was another arancini ball and a mini skewer of 2 grape tomatoes and a mozzarella ball around 6:30. Again, I’m not a drinker, so I had seltzer with lime and water.

Weddings are crazy chaotic so my table wasn’t called for dinner until about 9 PM. Chloe dreamed of having pizza at her wedding since she was a kid so pizza is what she got! The pizza was so good and well worth the wait. I got a slice of cheese, a slice of veggie, a side salad, and the dessert was mini chocolate pudding with whipped cream.

I am proud of my self-control for only having 2 slices when I used to eat a whole pizza by myself in one sitting. (Progress, baby!) I would estimate that the hors d’oeuvre, wedding dinner, and dessert was probably upwards of 1,500-2,000 calories — bringing Saturday’s total calorie consumption to 3,200-3,700, give or take (double my deficit calories!).

This was just one day out of the 210 days since I started with Steff that I had gone off the rails. I may have been down but don’t count me out. I knew exactly what I needed to do on Sunday.

I wasn’t planning to go to the gym and figured I’d go for my usual Sunday-clear-my-head run after I got home, but Momma D asked me to go for a walk. We were in agreement that we would walk to Dunkin and get our coffees. I forgot to bring one of my protein shakes with me on the walk so I grabbed one at the gas station and mixed it into my coffee. It doesn’t *fill me up*, but it’s an easy way to get in 26-30 grams of protein. (This is one of the only exceptions I make to drinking my calories, haha.)

When we got back to the hotel, the continental breakfast was open. The WW was over and I was back on my 1,650 calories, so I couldn’t go crazy at the buffet. I really wanted waffles and so did Momma D. The waffle maker makes 4 mini waffles at once so I had 2 and she had 2. I also got some more eggs, one turkey sausage patty, and I asked Bekah to bring me down the sugar free maple syrup I had brought with me. My protein iced coffee and food was around 380 calories. Bam. I was right back on the horse. I had to be. I have goals to reach — I’m not done yet!

I have no regrets, just lessons.

I can do all the work I want in the gym and with my nutrition, but it’s not going to fix the psychological aspect. I need to be able to walk into a continental breakfast and not completely lose my cool. I need to stop with the, “This is a special occasion so I can go off the rails” mentality. It’s toxic. It does me a tremendous disservice when I act like I’ll never get food again so I have to take advantage of all these options at once. Moderation is key and it’s a lesson I need to learn.

“Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” holds true in this situation, too. I was prepared with my protein shakes, protein bars, fruits, veggies, deli meat, rice cakes, oatmeal, and protein powder, but I didn’t take full advantage of what I had. I am glad that I did eat some of what I took. It wasn’t a waste by any means, the food I brought was just not a priority for me and it should have been.

I’m happy to have celebrated with my family on my terms. I was in pictures. I was asking for pictures with people. I was taking selfies. Momma D caught me taking a photo in the bathroom, smiled, and said, “That is what I’ve missed”.

I stayed on the horse all day Sunday. I wasn’t nervous for my weigh-in with Steff yesterday because I knew the scale would be up and it would be OK. (And it was up, 3 whole pounds.)

I will continue with my usual routine (1,650 calories, 4 days in the gym, gallon of water/day, fiber higher than sugar, etc.) and we will check my weight again on Friday. I didn’t gain 3 pounds of fat overnight. It’s probably a combination of water retention, more sodium and carbohydrates than I’m used to, my menstrual cycle starting on Monday, and way way more calories than my body has seen at one time in 30 weeks.

It’s not a big deal.

What is a big deal is what you do next.

How do you handle continental breakfasts or special occasions? Do you feel in control or out of control around food?

See you Friday!
~ K