In June 2022, I thought, “Let’s lose 100 pounds. That’s a cool, even number”. It’s a little crazy that I actually could lose 100 pounds (and a little bit what have you done, Kate?!). The 100 pounds came from that stupid BMI that told me someone of my height should be 140 pounds or less and at 240 pounds… well, you can do the math.

But after starting my journey with Steff and talking it out (several times), my mindset around the number on the scale has slowly transitioned into, “How do I feel when I look at myself in the mirror?”

Although I’ve lost 16 inches (chest, waist, and hips) in my first 24 weeks with Steff, I’m still holding onto a fair amount of fat in my midsection. That drives me to keep going with my weight loss journey. I’m still not at a point where I’m completely comfortable in my skin.

I went for a run on Sunday and chose a super cute set (sports bra/shorts) in a size much smaller than I’ve been wearing for the last several years. The shorts were a little tighter than I’d like and drew attention to my lower belly pooch. Despite that, I still went out and crushed a 2 mile run. But every time I passed by my reflection in my apartment complex’s many doors, all I could see was that stupid pooch from my just-a-little-too-tight-size-M shorts. What I should have focused on was how toned my legs are starting to look, how the workout set complemented the little bit of tan I have left from the Bahamas, and the fact that I was doing a 2 mile run nonstop when even just a year ago, that would’ve been impossible for me. I know one day the shorts will fit me but until then, I’m not giving up my way-too-big-streched-out-size-XL shorts (even though Steff keeps offering to burn them for me!). I remember when I used to only see my giant pooch in those XL shorts so it brings me a little comfort wearing them now knowing that the pooch isn’t as pooching (ha ha). The pooch will disappear in time but I have to put in the work to make that happen.

I am not saying I want to be a lean bean, maybe one day, but I want to be able to feel my best self — whatever that looks like. 

I want to be invited to the beach and my first thought is not, “I have to wear a bathing suit and I’m not ready”. I think it’s pretty apparent that one of my favorite places is the beach. And for the last 6 or so summers, I’ve hated going because it meant being seen by strangers in a bathing suit.

Just wear the bathing suit, no one cares.

Easier said than done. It doesn’t matter what strangers think when you’re the one who can’t get out of your own head. I’ve wasted too many days not at the beach. I’m hopeful that this summer will be spent with more days spent in a bathing suit at the beach, not less. 

I remember how crazily I yo-yo dieted before my trip to Aruba. We had postponed the trip in May 2020 (you can guess why) and May 2021 (same reason) and when we finally decided it was happening in May 2022, I was already burnt out from the January to May yo-yo diets the two years before that I did absolutely nothing to lose weight before our trip and in fact, I’m pretty sure I gained more weight.

I was miserable in Aruba. One of the most beautiful places in the world and I was just so uncomfortable in my skin. I was looking at all the women my age (late 20s) in their tiny bikinis and sexy one pieces and what was I wearing? Something I had affectionately nicknamed my Grandma Dress. It was a bathing suit dress, that doubled as a workout dress (we love multifunctional ‘fits, amIright?). It covered almost everything. I wore this everywhere during our trip: walks with Momma D to get our morning coffee, to the beach, and on our excursions.

Here’s another picture of the Grandma Dress. Granted, this was not a flattering angle anyway, but the photo completely devastated me. I cried after I saw it.

Many of these photos from Aruba have never seen the light of day until today. My family knew not to share them publicly. But here I am now, owning my truth and that painful part of my life. It’s sad that I could be somewhere so beautiful and still be so miserable.

And here is the only photo out of hundreds taken on the trip that I gave the OK to share. Momma D may have used this in the 2022 Christmas card!

When we left Aruba, I knew I didn’t ever want to feel like that again on vacation. I didn’t want to have to do crazy diets to lose a significant amount of weight before a trip. I want to be in a position where I can say, “I’m going to exotic destination and I’m going to spend the whole time at the beach”. Then I can see how my bathing suits and summer clothes fit and maybe modify my nutrition a little to firm up vs. trying to shed 5 dozen pounds quickly.

I knew hiring Steff would be a lifestyle change. It wouldn’t be a quick “lose weight fast” shtick. It would be a forever change if I wanted to live my life the way I had envisioned for so many years. I couldn’t keep doing the yo-yoing.

I’m looking at a minimum of 36 weeks with Steff by my side nutrition-wise. What happens when I’ve reached maintenance? That scares me, too. What if I fall off the wagon? Would I ever get back on? I’d like to believe that I’ve worked too hard to revert back to my old habits.

I’ve proven that I can be disciplined and consistent. I am impressed with my level of dedication to myself.

I will do everything in my power not to have to lose a significant amount of weight again. We’re going back to Aruba in 2025 and in a way, that trip is a do-over for me. This is my chance to do it the way I should have done it in 2022. I’ve even convinced Pa that he and I should do a submarine excursion!

How about you? Are you sick of the yo-yo dieting, too?

See you Friday!
~ K